Some Russian Anecdotes

All of these jokes were composed by Russians and are in no way intended to be racist!
I also found this article on the serious side of Russian humour.

"New Russian" Jokes The nuevo riche are the butt of many jokes. A New Russian comes in to buy a car. He tells the salesman he wants a grey Mercedes. The salesman finds him exactly the car he wants, and the man pays cash for it. As he is about to leave, the salesman asks him, "Didn't you buy a car just like this from us last week?" "Oh, yes, I did," replies the New Russian, "but the ashtray got full." A New Russian walking through the streets of Moscow meets another New Russian. The first one remarks to the second, "Hey, nice watch. How much did it cost?" "Two thousand dollars," proudly answers the second. "Wow, really? It can't be much good. I just bought mine for three thousand." A New Russian calls his secretary: - Lena, how many zeros are there in one million? - Six. He disconnects and tells his partner: - You see? Six zeros in one million! Thus, in two millions it is twelve. A New Russian came back from Paris. His wife asks: - "How did you like your trip?" - "Do you remember, in our friend's Vasya kitchen was a canvas "Gioconda"?" - "Yes." - "He sold it. I saw it in the Louvre." At the tax police: - Where did you get the money to buy a MERCEDES? - I sold my FORD, added a little bit of money and bought it. - Where did you get the FORD? - I sold my LADA, added a little bit of money and bought it. - Where did you get the LADA? - I sold my SUZUKI, added a little bit of money and bought it. - Where did you get the SUZUKI? - I've already been in prison for that. Classic political anecdotes from the communist past The Russians asked the Japanese to design a new department store. The Japanese came up with the idea that all that is needed is a huge building and two people to work in it. - Why only two? - One at the front door, to say: "There is nothing available!". And the other one at the exit to say: "We warned you!" God invited Nixon and Brezhnev to come talk to him in heaven. He says each of them can only ask one question. "When will the unemployment go down in America?" asks Nixon. "In twenty years," answers God. "I regret that it will not happen in your lifetime." "And when will the Russian people gain happiness?" asked Brezhnev. God answered, "I regret that it will not happen in my lifetime!" During his visit to the USSR, Nixon was intrigued by a new telephone capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that this same service was now available in the US too. He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000. Nixon was distressed. - How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in the USSR. - Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call. What was the nationality of Adam and Eve? -Russian of course. Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and only had one apple between them? Is it true that under communism people could order food by phone? -Yes, but the delivery was by TV. Which is more useful, a Russian radio broadcast or a Russian newspaper? -The newspaper, of course... you can use it to wrap herrings. Traffic Police Jokes The traffic police are poorly paid and widely believed to be corrupt. A traffic cop is asked: "What would you do if you won $1,000,000?" "I would buy a cross-roads and work." A policeman stops a car, and inspects it carefully. "I wouldn`t dare to call a wreck like this a car!" "That is why I don`t have a driving licence." Back to top